As I’ve been settling back in Massachusetts for a few weeks and making more plans with some of my best friends while re-expanding my social network out here, I have been reflecting a lot.
I’ve been reflecting on how much has changed in how I relate to people.
How I am so much more secure and hold myself in a calm and powerful manner.
It’s taken a lot of work to get here:
• Shadow work
• Subconscious reprogramming
• Learning my own values
• Trusting my own decision-making
And so much more…
There was a point where I thought being socially aware made me a better man, and don’t get me wrong, it still is.
But holy sh*t, did I let my awareness get to the WORST of me.
I could read people’s energy shifts in a split second (still can).
I’d notice if a friend was holding resentment towards me and acting “odd” in my presence.
I’d immediately feel when someone’s tone shifted or if they were subtly pulling away, or being overly short with me out of their own inner frustration.
And then… I’d spiral.
“Did I do something wrong?”
“Do they still respect me?”
I thought I was being emotionally intelligent.
But truthfully, I was hyper-vigilant.
I got too stuck into perfectionism in my relationships.
“Should I be patient with this person who continuously speaks disrespectfully and judges my lifestyle because that is the higher thing to do?”
“They are just in pain, and don’t know any better. Maybe I just quietly distance myself from them and pretend everything is fine.”
“Am I not being spiritually strong enough by continuing this relationship that I truly don’t feel like continuing because it could hurt the way other people perceive me as a coach.”
SO MUCH F*CKING INNER STUPIDITY 😂
I say that light-heartedly and with fun because I am truly aware of what this was all caused by, and I feel so much freer to date, make new friends, and connect with my existing circle better than ever before.
So, how was I using my awareness against me?
I was using social awareness as a SURVIVAL MECHANISM to be perfect for society, along with my own self-awareness practice, too.
💥 Social Awareness Became My Survival Mechanism
What I eventually realized is… this didn’t come from wisdom.
It came from pain.
Because I’ve been the guy who gets teased in friend groups.
I’ve been the one people team up on “just for laughs.”
I’ve felt disrespected by people I’ve brought close in my circle, especially in dating and platonic relationships.
And after a while, I just stopped trusting that people are safe.
I also had a false belief that “as long as I feel safe within myself, anyone is emotionally safe.”
Hahahahaha, yeah…. we can call that one ‘spiritual tough guy syndrome’ for laughs.
It doesn’t matter how safe I feel in my own sense of self.
Some people just aren’t going to be at my level, or your level of love and respect.
No matter how much inner work you do.
No matter how much trauma you shed.
And no matter how much love and kindness you embody.
That is just the reality of living in a world with other humans who are not doing the work to let go of their own pain.
I used to believe “I attract what is within myself.”
It’s a very common teaching in the spiritual and subconscious space of self-improvement.
But the reality is, YOU are attracted to what is within yourself.
I understand this now at a very deep cellular level.
But before, I just didn’t get it.
Who was I being in the protection of abuse, disrespect, and betrayal?
I was the guy who stayed two steps ahead emotionally, and always on the defense.
Here was the cost of that:
- I couldn’t relax in conversations.
- I kept people at an emotional distance even when I wanted intimacy.
- I held back my true way of expressing warmth or love because it felt like weakness.
- I stopped showing people me.
And worst of all?
I felt more respected in my business than I did in most of my relationships.
🔄 It’s Not Empathy… It’s Fear
This hit me hard very recently:
What I thought was compassion or social awareness… was actually fear of being misunderstood.
I was filtering every word, every reaction, every pause.
Not out of love.
But out of self-protection.
Because deep down, I thought if I ever said something wrong or took up too much space, I’d lose the connection.
And when you live like that—
You’re never really free.
🌱 What I’m Relearning Now
Here’s what I’m starting to anchor into:
- True awareness includes yourself.
If you’re constantly aware of others and blind to your own needs, you’re not aware. You’re abandoning. - The right people don’t get butthurt over your tone, your delay in replying, or your opinion.
They might clarify. They might check in.
But they won’t punish or manipulate. - Respect starts from within.
When I stopped performing and started speaking my real tone, some people pulled away.
But others leaned in. The right people heard me more clearly. - It’s not your job to prevent other people’s emotional triggers.
It’s your job to speak with honesty, care, and congruence—and let the rest unfold.
🛠️ If You’re Like Me, Try This
Here are 4 journal prompts you can use every night as you reflect on your social interactions for the day (professionally, platonically, and romantically).
I’ve been using these lately to unlearn people-pleasing masked as awareness:
- “Did I shrink myself to avoid discomfort today?”
- “Who was I trying to make feel okay—and at what cost to my authenticity?”
- “If I stopped managing how I’m perceived, what would I have said differently?”
- “What part of me needs to feel safe before I show up fully? What beliefs do I need to start practicing so I can show up honest to my truth next time?”
You don’t have to become cold or a heartless piece of sh*t who is mean to people in order to reclaim your truth.
You just have to stop holding back the real you for the comfort of others.
👇 Let’s Rewire This At The Root
This is exactly the kind of inner work I guide my clients through in my 1-on-1 and in my group coaching:
- Healing the emotional patterns that make you walk on eggshells
- Rebuilding your self-trust and voice after years of suppression
- Creating real confidence—not the performative kind, but the kind that’s rooted in truth and power
We don’t do surface-level fixes.
We go into your subconscious patterns and practical life so you’re never stuck in this loop again.
Much love,
Shawn “Sheshn” Heshmatpour
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