I know you have been there before, and I have a bunch.
You meet a woman.
She blows your entire world.
And then the bullshit begins.
Not the bullshit between you and her.
But the bullshit between you and yourself.
You check your phone constantly for when she is going to reply.
You check her Instagram to see what she is up to.
You message her way more than she messages you.
And deep down inside you know you are being needy and overly attached to this woman.
It eats your soul, and you can’t stop thinking about her.
Deep down you have this false belief that her being in your life is making it so much better.
But in reality, those amazing feelings you get when you are around her are feelings you create within yourself.
How?
Through the power of thought.
It is your thoughts about how great this woman is that create this feeling of love, excitement, and joy in your body when you are around her.
Then when she is not around.
Your mind and body go back into an anxious state.
Because you feel as if that love and connection is coming from her, but in reality, it is coming from you, and you are just not seeing it.
I used to be so anxiously attached to women who would give me attention.
I’d be needy as fuck, always hitting them up.
Thinking about them all day.
Allowing my inner state to be dictated by whether I received a text message from her or not.
I overcame this now, and dating feels so free.
No matter how strong the bond is, I let the outcome present itself with minimal attachment. I am here, completely in a state of service to spreading good energy to her and I allow her to make the decision for herself if she wants to continue or not.
Here is how I got here.
1. Reprogramming my subconscious mind
I had to really take accountability for my inner state whenever I was around a woman I found to be attractive.
Whether it was on a date, when talking to her on the phone, or texting her.
I had created the discipline to ask myself, “how am I thinking and feeling in this moment?”
Am I in a state of attachment to the outcome? Or am I just in flow with having a good time?
If thoughts of anxiety or worry come up, I simply pause and ask myself “how do I want to think and feel in this moment?”
The answer is not “Of course she likes me,” because that is still giving my power away to the outcome.
The answer is “I am in good spirits and love giving good vibes to myself and women who reciprocate.”
I am constantly aware of my thoughts and feelings.
I ask myself “why?” every time I feel anxious.
I choose a new thought and close my eyes until I FEEL it in my body.
I practice this religiously until it becomes a core part of my being.
I continue to make it a conscious practice until it becomes a subconscious habit.
2. Changing the goals
If you are anything like me, which I assume you are since you follow my newsletter, you probably are naturally an “A-type” personality who is very fixated on goals.
Nothing wrong with that.
But this person can’t be a goal.
Why? Because she is another human being who makes her own decisions and you can’t control her.
Which means nothing you say or do can control this woman. You can influence her, but that still is giving her the option to still choose her own decisions.
So what do I focus on instead?
I focus on who I am being.
It doesn’t matter if it’s a first, second, third date, or even a relationship.
I continuously practice to be in a state of love, good vibes, and fun flirtatious energy with the best interest of her and myself.
I focus on connecting with her, getting to learn more about who she is without taking the process so seriously.
The only goal I measure when interacting with women is if I am being a fun, flirtatious version of myself who is down to connect and not possess.
I got a lot of Scorpio in my chart… being a bit possessive is a part of my conditioning. 😂
I’ve had to learn to chill with that shit because it makes women feel suffocated by my energy and not safe to be fully open around me.
So now, I just focus on my vibe.
If she is receptive to my vibe, great.
If not, also great.
But am I BEING the vibe that I want to attract?
If not, great! I get to ask myself why I was too serious and try again with the next woman.
Remember, every woman you meet is going to mirror parts of yourself you get to learn about. The more time you spend with her, the more work you will be doing on UNDOING the thought patterns that no longer serve you.
Her presence awakens parts of you that need attention regardless if you have a “good” or “bad” relationship with her.
Gamify dating to become a practice of using the mirror principle to look within and see what needs to be released and rebirthed.
3. Keeping options open
You don’t have to talk to as many women as possible.
But if you are talking to one that you like.
Don’t be afraid to still say what’s up to other women who catch your interest.
You don’t have to be dating multiple women at once, I know a lot of other dating coaches will recommend that.
I am saying you just need to be in the energetic state of “I have options.”
Me personally? If I have a woman that I like a lot from the start, she’ll be the one I focus on more in my dating life.
But I’ll still talk and flirt with other girls.
I will still see what my options are.
I will still have fun, until it’s time to settle down.
Why do I do this? Because it allows me to live freely.
It allows me to learn more about different dynamics I am capable of creating with women. What I like, what I dislike, etc.
This gives me more experience so I can feel more comfortable with who I am around the feminine without attachment to outcomes. Just like friends come and go, so do women.
I am detached but still loving the woman in front of me and giving her the chance to show more of herself to me, as I show more of myself to her.
4. Still living life
Whether she is in your life or not, there are still other things that are important besides her.
This can be your career, passions, purpose, business, hobbies, friendships, family, etc.
Still make sure you are focused on those things.
For me, I have my business, my health, and my friendships.
I still focus on those things and treat her as a part of my life.
Not all of my life.
These help me develop more of a stronger relationship with myself outside of focusing on my inner state and gives me things to do in the external world which I put my energy into and it fulfills me everyday.
5. Have a heart of gold
Look, it is pretty rare these days to find someone with a heart of gold.
Both men and women have been hurt by past relationships.
Social media does a terrible job (or I should say a good job) feeding into these insecurities more.
Teaching both men and women to withhold their love in hopes the other person gives them more love, respect, and attention.
Don’t be needy, but when you are around her be open and still kind to her.
You don’t need to be a douchebag to get women, you just need to have an internal compass you follow.
Connect with her and make her feel appreciated. Just don’t do it in hopes of a result or outcome. Time will tell you if you and she will get closer.
| 6. Standard and discipline I know exactly what I want in a partner for compatibility. If those traits aren’t there, I know she is not going to be someone who is ready to be in my life for a long-term relationship. So I do either two things. 1. I friendzone her. 2. I end the relationship and thank her for our time together. These were both really hard for me at first. Even just recently, I met this one woman who in my eyes was a 10/10. She is also a spiritual healer/coach, she was super open in her feminine energy and complimented my vibe very well, we had similar missions with our purpose and businesses. It helped that she was physically the most hottest woman I have ever connected with on a deep spiritual level. When we first connected it was like we’ve known each other for many lifetimes prior. But she is in a phase of her life right now where she is traveling a lot and I am not. I’d be open to traveling a lot again later down the road, but I am very focused on building my community, which launches in a few weeks, and then growing it along with a new podcast I am working on in the back end. I have a lot of projects at the moment and for me, having a homebase is important to me. So I told her I am still down to be friends and I am super grateful for the level of love she helped me awaken at a higher level. She was super receptive to it and we’re still in contact today. Was it hard for me to do this? ABSOLUTELY. Living out your internal compass is always going to be hard when your feelings are heightened. But just because you are aware of your feelings doesn’t mean you should always follow your feelings. Your inner compass, rules, and standards you are currently creating for yourself are far more important and will raise your confidence much higher than any relationship will. That confidence will bleed into other things in life you love to do and of course in the next relationship you create. |
| These disciplines and practices can be hard to embody on your own. That is why I coach my students by holding them accountable and giving them proper guidance to become the vessel of love, connection, and power that they seek. Much love, Shawn “Sheshn” Heshmatpour |
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