I Don’t Abandon Myself to Keep the Peace Anymore

Let’s talk about that one friend.

You know the one.

They get weird when you’re not available.

Suddenly, you’re “acting different,” or “not showing up like you used to.”
And now you’re in a silent emotional courtroom defending yourself against charges…

of having a life.

Yeah. That friend.

For most of my life, I overaccommodated these people.
Not because I didn’t have boundaries.

But because I had a story that said being a good friend means being endlessly available.

Spoiler: it doesn’t.

The Pattern I Had to Outgrow.

I’ve always shown up well in friendship.

I give a damn. I listen. I’m solid.

But there was always someone in the mix who didn’t want a friend.

They wanted a therapist on call.
A personal cheerleader.

A version of me that served their comfort more than their growth.

And when I didn’t play the role?
Cue guilt.
Cue distance.
Cue drama.

Eventually, I realized:
I was maintaining connections that ran on emotional contracts I never agreed to.

What I’ve Learned:

• Being unavailable doesn’t make me a bad person. It makes me sovereign.
• If you project your emotional needs onto me, I’m not here to carry the invoice.
• Guilt-tripping is just manipulation in a bathrobe.
• Real connection doesn’t need performance; it requires presence and respect.
• I’d rather disappoint someone by being honest than impress them by being a doormat.

What I Look for Now:

I vet people differently now.

I don’t care how cool, funny, or spiritual you seem up front.

I look for people who:

• Can hold their own energy (no emotional toddlers, thanks)
• Respect my space without needing a PowerPoint on why I’m unavailable
• Don’t get passive-aggressive when I’m focused on my goals
• Take ownership of their feelings instead of outsourcing them to me
• Show up consistently, not just when it benefits them
• Live with honesty, growth, and real self-awareness

If you need me to shrink so you can feel secure?
I’m not your guy.

If You’ve Been Feeling This Too:

You’re not too much.
You’re not cold.
You’re not selfish.

You’re just finally done betraying yourself in order to stay liked.

And that shift deserves new standards.

Much love,

Shawn “Sheshn” Heshmatpour