🧘‍♂️ Monk Mode: Escape or Evolution?

I’ve noticed how “mode mode” is such a common trend in the personal development space.

➜ “Disappear for 12 months, get rich and jacked.”
➜ “Don’t tell anyone your dreams, work, and live in silence.”
➜ “Spend all your time alone with no entertaining distractions and your level of consciousness will make you untouchable.”

Look, I’ll be honest with you.

There was a time when monk mode did wonders for me.

I was emotionally drained.

Disappointed by all the wounds people carry.

And I felt like no matter how much effort I put into dating or making friends, I kept getting women who were cold, flaky, or emotionally closed off.

Or I would make friends with people who I was not all that excited to hang out with, or projected me to be a certain way.

So I said “Fuck it, I’m going monk mode.”

No dating. No women. No social life.

Just gym, business, silence, and my own thoughts.

At first, it felt powerful.

I felt focused. Disciplined. Grounded.

But then something shifted.

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🤯 I Realized I Wasn’t Healing—Just Hiding

Here’s what hit me:

Monk mode wasn’t always about growth.

It started as a way to create a strong relationship with myself.

I thought it was the right thing to do because so many others preach this lifestyle.

But then it became my escape.

A way to avoid the emotional exhaustion I felt from getting too close to women who didn’t know how to connect deeply.

A way to avoid developing new friendships where they would get triggered by my lifestyle or project how I should be to please them.

Or worse, who saw me as someone to entertain them, not someone to meet them.

And slowly, what started as a focus turned into isolation.

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😔 Dating & Social Life Wasn’t the Problem… My Approach Was

See, I used to date and make friendships from a place of survival.

• To prove I was desirable.
• To distract myself from inner emptiness.
• To chase emotional highs that covered up emotional wounds.

And when I didn’t get the validation or connection I was craving?

It drained me.

I would get in my head.

I questioned if there was something wrong with me.

It killed my business drive.
I would spiral emotionally, or just get extremely frustrated.

So monk mode wasn’t the solution—it was just the other extreme.

Instead of using people as a distraction to avoid my pain, I was using my business, the gym, and even spiritual inner work as an escape.

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⚖️ The Real Work? Creating From Wholeness

What I’m learning now is that it’s not about dating or not dating.

It’s not about socializing or not socializing.

It’s about why you’re doing it.

When I date from a place of groundedness, connection feels expansive.

When I go out and meet new people from a place of inner safety, I can work with the flow of conversation without trying to prove myself.

When I date from a place of loneliness or performance, it becomes toxic.

So now, the question I ask myself isn’t:

“Should I be dating right now?” or “Should I be going out and be social?”

It’s:

“Am I grounded enough to give and receive real connection right now?”

Because real love isn’t chaos.

Real respect isn’t found in relationships that are draining you.

It’s nourishment.

Whether it’s a woman you are dating, friends you spend time with, new people in your career you are getting to know it should light up your energy not drain it.

If it’s draining you, it’s not aligned—or you’re not yet aligned.

🔥 If You’re In This Phase, Here’s What I Recommend

Here are 5 reflections that can guide you to become more aligned:

1. Dating isn’t a reward for healing—it’s a mirror for where you’re still unhealed.
Every woman you attract and are attracted to reflects a part of you.

2. If you’re choosing monk mode, make sure it’s not coming from fear.
Growth is sacred. Hiding is silent sabotage.

3. The feminine doesn’t drain you. Chasing emotionally unavailable women does.
Choose depth. Choose women who are open, not just hot.

4. You can build your business AND attract love AND have a thriving social circle—when your nervous system is regulated.
If your mood depends on whether she texts back or if you have plans this weekend or not, it’s time to slow down and return to yourself.

5. Don’t shame your desire for love or your desire for friends. Just make sure you’re emotionally mature enough to play your part.
Love is a responsibility. Don’t chase it until you can carry it as your daily baseline.

Much love,

Shawn “Sheshn” Heshmatpour