If any part of this hits, it’s probably because you’ve been there too.
You’re doing the work, showing up as a good man, and still getting met with disrespect, mixed signals, or cold energy.
I’ve been through it more times than I’d like to admit.
But here’s what I’ve learned: it’s not about fixing yourself to be more likable.
It’s about stripping away the bullshit, owning your story, and learning how to lead with who you really are instead of who you think you’re supposed to be.
That’s when everything starts to shift.
🧨 The Story I Didn’t Want to Admit
For most of my life, I told myself the problem was them.
The girls in school who never gave me a chance.
The false accusation in college that turned my world upside down.
The woman I gave my heart to in my 20s who cheated on me with a man who physically and emotionally abused her.
The string of hyper-critical, guarded women I kept attracting, the ones who made me feel like I had to prove my worth just to get basic respect.
At some point, I started to believe:
Women just don’t appreciate good men.
And beneath that belief, another truth was hiding:
I didn’t know how to let myself be truly seen.
Because rejection doesn’t just hurt when someone else says no…
It hurts when deep down, you keep rejecting yourself.
🧠 The Limiting Beliefs That Killed My Connection with Women
1. “Women Don’t Respect Good Men”
How it played out:
After being cheated on and emotionally bulldozed in past relationships, I started to believe kindness made me weak.
I associated “nice” with “walked all over.”
So how did I hope with this?
I overcompensated my bad boy side.
I scanned women for their flaws so I had a reason to distance myself.
I would play hard to get in situations and made myself more unavailable.
Every reason I could find to distance myself from women emotionally I would.
All I did was just focus on getting laid, until I realized how empty I felt from just trying to play the hookup culture games.
I realized at that point a real relationship is what I desire and my thoughts, feelings, and actions were not in alignment with that.
What I did to overcome it:
I realized the problem wasn’t my kindness that got my past self hurt.
It was that I had no standards while being kind.
Kindness without boundaries is self-betrayal.
I re-learned how to express warmth without tolerating disrespect.
How it plays out now:
I lead with grounded masculinity, open heart, and a strong spine.
I can care without collapsing.
I am considerate without sacrificing myself.
And now I get respect because I’m kind, instead of trying to get it from withholding it.
2. “If I’m Not Perfect, I’ll Be Abandoned”
How it played out:
I constantly tried to impress women with status, intelligence, my business successes, eating clean, the gym, and anything else but my real, imperfectly perfect self.
I thought if I wasn’t “on” all the time, they’d lose interest.
I was afraid that anything that would be perceived as a flaw would have them see me as weak and judge me.
What I did to overcome it:
I started practicing vulnerability.
When I say vulnerability, I don’t mean trauma dumping or emotional reactivity.
What I mean is allowing myself to feel seen by speaking my truth.
I let women see me on off days, opened up about things I am working on in myself, expressed my feelings, and stopped filtering every word for effect.
I realized if connection is what I desire, I need to allow myself to show my “human side” instead of trying to come off as perfect.
How it plays out now:
I don’t try to be flawless anymore.
I focus on being real, present, and self-respecting.
Turns out, women don’t fall for your highlight reel, they fall for your wholeness.
Dating is much more fun for me now.
In fact, as I am writing this post I am smiling to myself because I had a cool conversation with a woman I am seeing currently on how I am learning to be more patient with myself in certain areas of my life.
It was cool, I got to express myself and she was extremely supportive.
And of course I had to turn it into a bunch of flirty jokes afterwards. 😉
3. “Women Are Emotionally Unavailable or Manipulative”
How it played out:
I projected my past pain onto new women.
If a woman was distant or guarded, I took it as a red flag rather than something to get curious about.
Scanning for ‘red flags’ is HUGE when we subconsciously believe women are “bad.”
The mind does this to keep you safe from threats.
But there is no real threat, because it is a story replaying in your mind.
I met every wall they would bring with a wall of my own.
Guess what happens when two walled up people meet?
Not much of a connection is formed and it doesn’t lead anywhere.
Someone needs to make an effort to become curious.
And let me tell you…
If you are waiting on her to do it, then good luck.
If you want connection, then you need to be the one to take initiative to create it.
When I was walled up, my dates were getting stale.
I was judging the women for being closed off.
So I was closed off in return, and didn’t bother seeing them again.
What I did to overcome this:
I stopped generalizing women.
I made a conscious effort to stop seeing women in a negative light.
I opened up to friends, mentors, and people I trust on the matter who I knew had a healthier perspective on women than I did.
I did the inner work to actually feel the grief from past betrayals.
I stopped making it every new woman’s fault.
I also re-evaluated the kind of women I was choosing.
How it plays out now:
Now, I lead with curiosity.
If I feel resistance, I don’t assume malice.
I practice the teaching that what people say and do is a projection of them.
I observe the energy, ask questions, and trust my discernment without turning cold.
4. “If She’s Not Submissive, She’s Not Feminine”
How it played out:
I used to think women being soft and agreeable was the only way they could be “feminine.”
Yes, this is a part of being feminine.
But not the entirety of what it means.
So when women challenged me, had a naturally strong personality, or had a bold voice, I’d felt disrespected instantly.
If they weren’t behaving in a manner that I thought didn’t serve my “needs” I wrote them off quickly.
However, this was another defense mechanism.
In truth, she is a person just like you.
It’s not different than a woman judging you for being “laid back and chill,” because it does not fit her stereotype of masculinity.
What I did to overcome it:
I redefined femininity for myself.
I realized feminine energy can be wild, fierce, intuitive, and nurturing.
I stopped equating my worth as a man with how compliant a woman was.
I allowed the women to be their full selves around me.
I did not judge them for them, but made an effort to see underneath.
And whether the vibe aligned or not, I would kindly discern from there.
How it plays out now:
I embrace polarity, not power plays.
I welcome a woman with her own fire, as long as it’s not used to burn me. Compatibility matters more than control.
💣 The Truth: I Was the Problem… And That’s What Set Me Free.
When I took full ownership of everything I could control in my dating life.
It got significantly better.
I realized I wasn’t connecting with women because I wasn’t connected to myself.
I had armored up for so long trying to be impressive, trying not to get hurt, trying to avoid being seen as “too much” or “too soft,” that I forgot how to just be me.
The more I worked on my subconscious mind, the more I realized that most of my pain didn’t come from women.
It came from my own unhealed beliefs, unprocessed wounds, and distorted views of love.
👊 If This Pissed You Off a Little Bit… CONGRATULATIONS!
If any part of this hits, it’s probably because you’ve been there too.
Doing the work, showing up as a good man, and still getting met with disrespect, mixed signals, or cold energy.
I get it.
I’ve been through it more times than I’d like to admit.
But here’s what I’ve learned: it’s not about fixing yourself to be more likable.
It’s about stripping away the bullshit, owning your story, and learning how to lead with who you really are, not who you think you’re supposed to be.
That’s when everything starts to shift.
Much love,
Shawn “Sheshn” Heshmatpour
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