Today, we’re going back in time.
Four years ago, back when I lived in Massachusetts, I got invited to this networking event. New to the coaching game, and looking to make connections, I was excited. Everyone was there to meet new people, exchange ideas, make connections.
But instead of mingling, I found myself hovering near the food, scrolling through my phone, and sticking to one word answers and taking far too many toilet trips.
Why?
Because the idea of starting a conversation with strangers was sending me into a spiral of overthinking.
Once I stepped into the hall, the feeling of excitement changed to one of dread.
I kept hearing that same thoughts in my head:
“What if I embarrass myself? I feel like such a phony being here. What if I say the wrong thing and everyone laughs?”
And the worst part was, I left that event without having a single meaningful conversation. I let the fear win, and I walked away frustrated, bitter, and honestly, kind of ashamed with myself.
I couldn’t figure out why some people could just walk into a room and own it, while I was standing in the shadows, overthinking every word.
The truth?
It wasn’t the room.
It wasn’t the people.
It wasn’t even my social skills.
It was my thoughts.
I realized that every time I hesitated, it was because I was feeding into the story that I wasn’t good enough. That I had to impress people or be perfect. That my voice didn’t matter.
That I didn’t matter.
And once I addressed these belief systems and started working on them, things started to shift. I stopped worrying so much about what people thought and focused on just being me.
That’s right, just me.
The more I did that, the more confident I became. Conversations flowed, anxiety melted away, and I felt GOOD.
If you’ve ever found yourself stuck in a loop of social anxiety, unable to break free, I’m here to tell you that the problem isn’t your ability (or your perceived lack of ability) to talk to people – it’s the stories you’re telling yourself before you even f*cking start.
Whether it’s dating, networking, or just hanging out with friends, social confidence starts by changing the way you think about yourself and how you think about yourself in relation to those situations.
Here’s your first step: stop overanalyzing everything. Your mind wants to replay the worst-case scenarios, but that’s just fear trying to protect you. Acknowledge the fear, but don’t let it control you. Approach conversations with curiosity instead of perfectionism. Ask questions, listen (don’t automatically reply, take a second to think out your response) and remind yourself that rejection isn’t a reflection of your worth – it’s just part of the process.
Everybody gets rejected.
I started small, chatting with baristas, asking coworkers at the time of how their weekend went, talking to that person sitting next to me in the waiting room. And guess what? Nothing catastrophic happened at all. In fact, people opened up, conversations grew naturally, and I began to feel like I belonged.
Remember, social confidence doesn’t come from being perfect or “cool.”
It comes from trusting yourself and being willing to take that first step – no matter what the outcome might be. Every interaction is an opportunity to build confidence, not just a test to pass or fail.
So next time you feel that hesitation creeping in, ask yourself: What story am I telling myself right now?
Change the script.
Stop playing a character.
You don’t need to be anyone but yourself.
Much love,
Shawn “Sheshn” Heshmatpour
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