Today, we are going back in time.
A few years ago, before I even started coaching, I made what felt like one of the biggest mistakes of my life.
It certainly felt like that at the time.
But as it turned out, it was a pivot to put me on the path where I am today.
You know when you meet a woman, and you think you’ve found the one?
She could be the wife, the mother of your children.
I thought this was it.
But boy, I was wrong – so, so wrong.
I’ll never forget the day I found out she had a secret boyfriend.
The kind of heartbreak I felt was like a liver punch in boxing.
The pain takes a second or two to appear, unable to figure out what’s happening or allowing yourself to process it.
Then the pain hits, the betrayal floods in, and you sink to your knees.
I was lost in a spiral of anger, blame, and victimhood.
For months, I just couldn’t shake it. I felt like I’d been completely gutted.
How could I not have noticed it?
Was I that stupid?
But let’s be real here.
Even good old James Bond gets done for a double life in Casino Royale.
And it took me a while, but that’s when I realized heartbreak is a test.
It’s a test of who you are, of what you’re made of.
You can use it to play the victim and keep asking, “Why me?”
Or you can use it as fuel to grow, to become someone stronger, to become someone better.
After months of hurting, I realized that the only way out was to look within.
And that was the real beginning of my healing.
So, I want to share six hard-learned lessons from that heartbreak: six lessons that might save you from walking the same painful path.
Here’s what I wish I’d known back then:
- You Don’t Need Her Validation
Back then, I thought I was unlovable, that I needed her approval to feel worthy. I’d say whatever she wanted to hear, I’d change whatever she wanted me to change. Every action was a way to keep her happy, to keep her close. But it was never enough. I’d lost myself in the pursuit of her validation, and the emptiness just grew.
The lesson: Validate yourself. That sense of “not being enough” is just a story you tell yourself. You’re perfect as you are, and you don’t need anyone else’s approval to prove it. Self-love is the foundation of every healthy relationship.
- Never Ignore Red Flags
There were signs I should’ve paid attention to, clear red flags that I just brushed aside. She’d disappear for weeks without a word, and each time, I’d make excuses for her. I’d think, She’s the only person who’s ever loved me, and I’d bend over backward, hoping she wouldn’t leave again.
The lesson: Trust your gut (ALWAYS). If someone’s behavior doesn’t feel right, don’t ignore it. It’s painful to walk away, especially when you’re in love. But no amount of love is worth compromising your peace of mind. Don’t settle for less than you deserve.
- Date with an Abundance Mindset
I used to believe she was the only one for me. My world was so small that I couldn’t imagine anyone else loving me. I thought I had to hold on for dear life, even if it meant sacrificing my needs, my boundaries—everything. I was dating from a place of fear, and that fear kept me trapped.
The lesson: Love is abundant. There are many people out there who will treat you well and respect your boundaries. Don’t let fear keep you tied to someone who doesn’t see your worth.
- Set and Enforce Clear Boundaries
I finally started speaking up about her unfair behavior prior to finding out. But every time I did, she’d flip it on me, making me feel like I was the problem. I didn’t want to fight, so I’d go quiet and tiptoe around the issues, hoping things would magically get better. But that’s not how boundaries work.
The lesson: Overcome unhealthy attachments. Boundaries are essential, not just in relationships but in life. Speak your truth honestly and clearly. When you stop attaching yourself to specific outcomes, your relationships will have a chance to flourish.
- Be Willing to Lose Her
I realized that I wasn’t really afraid of losing her. What I was afraid of was losing the feeling of being loved, even if it was conditional and hurtful. I thought that if I let her go, I’d be left with nothing. But the truth was, that love wasn’t real love.
The lesson: Learn to love yourself first. When you love yourself fully, you date from a place of wholeness, not neediness. You become your own foundation, and that’s when real, lasting relationships start to happen. You are everything you need.
- Live Life Your Way
I used to let people walk all over me, not just in dating but with friends, family—even school bullies. I was so afraid of what people thought of me that I’d just go along with anything, putting myself last. I was a passenger in my own life, always worrying about someone else’s opinion.
The lesson: Speak your truth unapologetically. When you live life authentically, you attract the right people—people who respect you and support your journey. You don’t need everyone’s approval, just your own.
Looking back, that heartbreak was the wake-up call I needed.
I can say now that I’m grateful it happened because it forced me to find my own strength, to validate myself, to set boundaries, and to love who I am without needing anyone’s approval.
So, if you’re on a similar journey, remember: today is the day you can start letting go of resentment. Let go of the anger, let go of the blame, and let those who hurt you become your teachers.
Without them, you wouldn’t be who you are today.
We’re all human.
We all make mistakes.
We take the loss, turn it into a lesson and go again.
Much love,
Shawn “Sheshn” Heshmatpour
Recent Comments