Have you had a terrible time on dating apps?

Good morning.

Today, we’re going to talk about dating apps.

Ahhhhhh.

Good old dating apps.

Tinder, Hinge, Bumble.

There’s even one called “Plenty of Fish”, but let’s be honest, your still coming up dry, and sailing home empty handed.

I’ve spoken for awhile about how harmful the majority of “advice” men out their give.

You’ve probably seen it:

“Make her chase you,” “Act like you don’t care,” or “Follow these 5 steps to be irresistible.”

All this does is make you more anxious.

They turn dating into a mind game, where you’re constantly trying to be someone you’re not just to “win.”

And if you’ve tried dating apps, you might’ve noticed the trend: men put in all this effort to set up the perfect profile – choosing pictures that make them look confident, cultured, adventurous, and social – yet, left with empty like counters and zero matches.

Meanwhile, women often feel overwhelmed by likes and matches, dealing with endless messages that feel more intrusive than genuine.

And to put this into perspective, I was reading about this online.

Someone was dating an attractive women in their 40’s with a child.

They were of similar age. But she had showed him her Tinder just a week after creating it.

1500 likes.

1500 likes for 40 + and a child?

If you’re in your 20’s or 30’s. You can imagine what you’re up against.

So this is where the issue comes in: when you try to play a role or fit some “perfect” image, you’re not actually connecting with anyone.

Instead, dating apps and scripted dating advice can create more stress and self-doubt, especially for men. Why? Because apps show a distorted version of dating. Let’s break down why these setups don’t work:

Why Most Dating Advice and Apps Create Anxiety

Most dating advice and apps focus on external results – getting someone else’s reaction. But when your approach is all about controlling how others see you, it adds pressure and puts you in a constant state of stress. Here’s what actually happens with these “strategies”:

1. You End Up Overthinking Every Interaction – Following a script or obsessing over profile pics keeps you in your head, treating every interaction like a performance. You’re not enjoying the moment; you’re rehearsing for it.
2. You Lose Your Authenticity – Playing games and trying to seem “perfect” leads to disconnection from your true self. You’re so focused on “what works” that you stop showing up as the real you – and that’s exhausting.
3. It Amplifies Your Insecurities – The more you try to force attraction, the more you reinforce the idea that who you are isn’t enough. This mindset just feeds anxiety, making you feel like you need to change or hide parts of yourself to be “worthy.”

Dating App Imbalances: Why It’s Not You, It’s the System

Look, it’s realy simple. Dating apps paint a skewed picture of reality. Studies show that apps like Tinder and Bumble have way more men than women, which means the experience is unbalanced from the start.

A recent simulation showed that because men outnumber women on these apps, women are flooded with likes and matches. Meanwhile, men are left with only a few likes and often zero matches. Over time, this imbalance impacts self-esteem, making men feel like they need to work even harder or like more profiles to get noticed.

It’s a vicious cycle and if you have struggled on dating apps, I encourage you to watch it here.

According to data from Hinge, the top 10% of profiles get the majority of likes. So unless you’re in that top tier, dating apps might not be showing you an accurate reflection of your attractiveness or worth.

And remember, how do we even define the “top 10%”?

So, What Actually Works?

Real connection isn’t about tips or tricks, it’s about showing up as your authentic self and being open to what unfolds.

Stepping into your power.

Here’s how to start shifting your mindset and attract people without all the bullsh*t games:

1. Shift Your Focus to Enjoying the Moment – Forget the outcome. When you’re on a date, be fully present. Ask questions because you’re genuinely curious, not because you’re trying to steer the conversation. When you let go of the need for control, you’ll start feeling more relaxed – and so will the other person.
2. Be Honest About Who You Are – Confidence isn’t about hiding parts of yourself; it’s about owning them. If you’re nervous, it’s okay. If you’re excited, let it show. Real attraction happens when you’re authentic and unapologetic about who you are.
3. Value Your Own Company First – Here’s the key: people are naturally drawn to those who are content with themselves. When you’re genuinely okay with who you are – single or not – you’ll radiate a type of confidence that no script can teach.

Leave the Games Behind

If you’re done with the surface-level dating advice and you’re ready to build real confidence from the inside out, stay tuned. In my upcoming launch, we’ll be diving into what it means to truly connect – with yourself first, and then with others.

You don’t need a script.

You just need to be yourself, fully and unapologetically.

Much love,

Shawn “Sheshn” Heshmatpour