I hate this.
I hate how my mind works.
I hate everything about how society operates.
I hate how I have to “improve myself” in order to feel like I can get a girlfriend.
All the other dude’s I grew up around made it look easy.
No therapy needed.
No coaching needed.
Not even jacked or rich.
They don’t have to do all this work; meanwhile, I do.
I’d constantly tell myself these stories all the time.
I’d feel hopeless.
I felt like there was something wrong with me.
And because I felt like there was something wrong with me, I’d overcompensate in my career, my health, and my interests.
Always trying to prove myself through these avenues of life.
Thinking to myself that once I hit a certain point of success and health, women would come to me effortlessly.
Once I bought my own home at a young age, was making good money for myself, and was living a healthy lifestyle, I was still experiencing failure on dates.
I was aggravated, depressed, and felt unworthy.
But then it started to hit me.
All of the other men whom I was comparing myself to.
The ones who didn’t care for their careers.
The ones who didn’t care for self-improvement.
The ones who weren’t reading, working on themselves, or caring for their health.
They all had one thing in common…
They were relaxed in who they are.
They did not care if their behavior was coming from a place of insecurity or their higher selves.
They just did whatever they wanted to do.
If they wanted to come home from work and drink beer while watching sports, they just did.
If they wanted to binge video games all day while their girlfriend was nagging at them, they just did it, and they didn’t care.
If they wanted to just talk to women about whatever they wanted to talk about, they just did; none of these skills, such as “push and pull” or “how to flirt properly,” were on their minds.
That is when everything started to click for me.
I can just be my full self.
I can chat about whatever I want.
If I want to flirt, then flirt.
If I want to talk about work, then talk about work.
If I want to talk about some stupid movie I like, talk about that stupid movie I like.
Everything started to feel simpler for me.
The more I am open and share, the more she feels comfortable opening and sharing.
The more I talk about my passions and dreams, the more she talks about hers.
The more I flirt, the more she flirts back.
It didn’t matter anymore.
I didn’t have to wait for perfect timing.
I could just be.
The more I allow myself to just relax into my being, the calmer she feels to do the same.
Once I started doing this on many dates in a row, I realized even though working on yourself can help to attract women, it’s not the only thing women are attracted to in men.
I realized I still needed to allow room for myself to just be a person.
Not everything needs to be associated with “high value man behavior” or “low value man behavior.”
These are all concepts sold by many mainstream dating coaches because they just profit from it.
Again, self-improvement and increasing your value isn’t terrible.
But if you are overly attached to it so you can feel worthy in the eyes of a woman, then you’ll start to realize the game never ends.
You will always be chasing this feeling of “not good enough to date and be in a relationship,” the more you level up.
The real internal shift is about leveling up your life while also practicing complete self-acceptance.
Accept where you are on your journey.
If you are broke? All good, just focus on building your wealth.
If you are fat? All good, just focus on getting healthy.
If you have no social life? All good, just make time to go out and make friends.
Eventually, you’ll get to a point where you have these things.
And then you have to let go of chasing the next level with the intention of feeling good enough.
The intention must switch to “getting better for myself.”
And knowing you are already perfect the way you are, even if there is room for improvement.
This is the paradox of the game of life.
Accepting that you are already good while striving for more.
You don’t need to hyperfocus on the surface-level areas of success to get women in your life.
You need to relax more into who you are.
The more relaxed you are, the more parts of yourself you show, and the more you do that, the more you’ll see her reciprocate your energy.
Much love,
Shawn “Sheshn” Heshmatpour
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