But The Pain Stayed the Same.
There’s this collective illusion we’ve bought into that if we just change the rules, the pain will go away.
We outlaw physical punishment.
We stop hitting our kids.
We ban the belt, the ruler, the backhand.
And yet, here we are.
Still anxious.
Still disconnected.
Still scared of failure.
Still afraid to show up fully in life.
It’s the same root trauma just dressed up in different clothes.
There was a time when parents, teachers, and authority figures could legally hit children to get them to “behave.”
The Western world eventually decided that it was wrong, so we outlawed it.
Great. But what replaced it?
Shame. Guilt. Emotional manipulation. Fear-based compliance.
Now, instead of being hit, kids are told they’re bad, they’re lazy, they’ll be failures in life if they don’t shape up.
We replaced bruises with nervous system dysregulation.
That’s the deeper lie society doesn’t want to face: we still try to get people to meet our needs by hurting them into submission.
We’ve just made the violence invisible.
We think if we guilt someone, they’ll change.
If we make someone feel ashamed, they’ll learn their lesson.
If we scare someone enough, they’ll finally become the version of them that fits into our narrative of what’s comfortable.
This is the same illusion that drives manipulation in relationships, cancel culture online, and emotional dysregulation in homes.
It’s not new. It’s ancient.
But it’s evolved into more sophisticated forms.
What most people don’t understand is this:
You don’t have a relationship with other people.
You have a relationship with your thoughts about them.
And those thoughts?
They’re shaped by how your caretakers treated you.
How did teachers discipline you?
How peers responded to your emotions when you were young and raw and real.
If you learned that your expression = punishment, then your entire nervous system is wired to suppress, perform, and keep people happy just to avoid emotional pain.
So yeah, we stopped hitting our kids. Cool.
But now society punishes people psychologically, and the damage might be even worse.
Mental health is declining.
People are lonelier than ever.
Relationships are breaking down. Trust is eroding. Why?
Because kids who were once punished for being loud, emotional, rebellious, sensitive, or curious… grew up into adults who now punish each other for the same damn things.
And it all hides under the illusion of “helping people become better.”
Let’s get real for a moment.
Have you ever been yelled at by a teacher for just talking in class?
Ever have your parents shame you for not getting good grades and say you’ll end up homeless or stuck at a shitty job?
Ever get caught smoking weed and be told you were going to become a degenerate?
Ever get laughed at for asking someone out?
Or got snapped at by a teacher for zoning out in class when in reality your head was spinning with anxiety, chaos, and stress, no one ever asked you about?
We all did.
And it left marks.
Your brain is still developing until around age 25.
Those early years shape your core beliefs about life, love, safety, and identity.
If all you were taught was to fear failure, avoid mistakes, and stay small… of course, you hide when life gets hard.
Of course, you feel like shit if your business isn’t booming or your relationship falls apart.
Because we’ve been programmed to think our struggles are proof we’re bad people.
And this plays out in everything:
- In your family: “Why haven’t you figured it out by now?”
- In dating: “She didn’t text back, so I must not be good enough.”
- In friendships: “He canceled again. Must be something wrong with me.”
In business: “If I’m not making $10k/month, I’m a loser.”
Shame. Guilt. Fear.
It pushes us into self-hate, and then we push that same energy onto the world.
The result?
A divided society, emotionally isolated men, and relationships that never even get a chance to be real.
Now, don’t take this to the extreme.
Yes, some adults still do awful shit and deserve real consequences.
I’m not saying “let everything slide.”
However, it is only a short-term band-aid treatment to the real problem at hand.
What I am revealing to you is this:
A lot of the corruption and dysfunction we see in society wouldn’t exist if people were raised with collaboration, empathy, and understanding instead of shame, fear, and punishment.
We learned to yell, blame, ground, suspend, and threaten, hoping people would “learn their lesson.”
But I’ll be honest with you:
I never learned anything meaningful from an adult who yelled at me out of their own dysregulation.
I never became a better man from someone who talked down to me when I was already struggling.
But I did grow from people who treated me with love, truth, and respect, especially when I didn’t “deserve it.”
So here’s what I ask of you:
Reflect on the shame, fear, and guilt you still carry.
You’re not weak for feeling broken.
You’re not a failure for needing healing.
You’re not a “pussy” because life hit hard and you’re trying to make sense of it.
You are learning.
So try again.
Try again to trust women, even if you’ve been betrayed.
Try again to make new friends, even if the last ones let you down.
Try again to open your heart, even if your mind tells you it’s too risky.
Because here’s the truth:
When you understand where the pain came from, you no longer have to pass it on.
You don’t have to fix the whole world.
But you can stop projecting your own pain onto it.
You can start showing up with empathy and strength.
You can be the example of the kind of society you want to live in.
And when you do…
The dating life, relationships, and social circle you’ve always wanted?
They start showing up.
Not because you “earned” them.
But because you finally stopped punishing yourself.
You became the one person you always needed growing up.
The one who understands.
And that’s when everything begins to change.
| Much love, Shawn “Sheshn” Heshmatpour |
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