| I’ve noticed something. A lot of the guys I work with are hardworking. They work on their careers. They are into health and fitness. They think deeply about their life. But oftentimes they’re missing a huge piece. A core connection with themselves. They want more confidence, more social energy, more life. But when it comes to talking to women, making new friends, or putting themselves in situations where new opportunities come, they’ll freeze. One thing I see with the guys is that they make their relationship with themselves worse through social media. Staying at home. Scrolling and swiping on the apps. Rationalizing to themselves where they should be and what’s currently wrong with their life. Man, even I got myself back in that habit for a little bit last year with my own health issues. You tell yourself you’ll get off your ass and start moving towards that desire “when you feel more ready.” Whether it’s: • To sign up for some hobbies or clubs. • To approach some women downtown. • To go out to the bars for the sports games. • To check out the church you were thinking about visiting. Instead, you keep staying inside and scrolling. And the longer this goes on, the more isolated you feel. This is NOT a motivation issue. And you are not broken, my friend. It’s because your self-worth has quietly been outsourced. It’s a psychological attack that’s happening on a day-to-day basis because your attention leads to profit. So how do these social media companies master the art of stealing your attention, while knowing there is profit that comes from your views? By playing with your sense of self-worth through the algorithm. Social media didn’t make you shy, brother. It made you self-monitor. It amplified whatever insecurities already lay within. Experiences from your past with rejection, bullying, and negative experiences with others created patterns of self-protection. And to a certain degree, there is a healthy level to this. -> There is nothing unhealthy about reading other people’s vibe. -> There is nothing unhealthy about being a bit skeptical of others. It becomes a problem when you realize you can’t even feel connected to your environment or other people anymore. Social media amplifies this a ton. • You get posts that have you comparing yourself to others. • You get posts that show you the cultural wars going on. • You get posts that are funny but also shine a light on the negative in society. I love comedy, but I also understand it thrives on critiquing ourselves and others. It captures your mind’s focus on where it believes you are still unworthy. And plays with it to amplify, so you can become addicted to the pattern. Your mind seeks what is comfortable, not what is “good.” What I see over and over as a pattern is this: Social media trains you to observe the lives of others, instead of participating in them. As men, we want to be active and contributing members of society in some way, shape, or form. It is in our nature to provide value to our communities. When you are constantly watching others in the world play that role. You become an active sideliner, which strips you away from your loving, providing, and active energy. You are artificially experiencing the same emotions by watching other people through it, and comparing your lack of self-worth to that content itself. You watch others who seem: * More confident * More social * More attractive * More respected * More desired by women And even if you aren’t consciously trying to compare yourself, something subtle happens. You stop trusting your own timing. You stop trusting your own instincts. You stop trusting your own presence. So when you’re out in the real world and feel nervous, your mind says:“See? You’re not like them. ”You’re comparing internal chaos to external performances. Here’s a part of it nobody wants to talk about out loud. You experience yourself from the inside when it comes to everything. Social media amplifies this truth: Your anxiety. Your hesitation. You’re overthinking. Your self-judgment. Your awareness of every flaw. And you compare that to guys online who you only see from the outside: Their highlight moments. Their best angles. Their confident tone. Their curated personality. Your nervous system doesn’t know it’s fake. It just registers it as, “I’m behind.” So instead of putting yourself out, you retreat. Because you don’t believe you are already enough to be a worthy participant. Instead of risking awkwardness, you isolate. Because God forbid you say something that doesn’t register right away, you could be attacked by trolls. Instead of building the reps, you wait for confidence to arrive first. But confidence doesn’t arrive in isolation. It’s forged through exposure. Why does this hit you the hardest if you spend a lot of time online: If you already doubt yourself socially, social media reinforces the belief that: * You need to be more confident before approaching * You need more status before being seen * You need to fix yourself before being accepted * You need certainty before initiating So you become hyper-selective. Hyper-careful. Hyper-internal. You don’t approach women because you don’t want to “be weird.” You don’t network because you don’t want to “force it.” You don’t open up because you don’t want to “impose.” But what you’re really doing is protecting an identity built on avoidance. The quiet cost of isolation Isolation will always feel safe. But it erodes you. The less you socialize: * The more foreign people feel * The more intimidating women feel * The more your mind fills in worst-case scenarios * The more disconnected you feel from your own masculine presence Eventually, even thinking about going out creates anxiety. And then you tell yourself: “I’m just introverted.” “I’m just focused on work.” “I’m just selective.” But deep down, you know that’s not the full truth. The real shift: from performance to presence Here’s the reframe that actually matters. Social confidence is not about being impressive. It’s about being present while imperfect. The men who approach women aren’t less anxious. They’re less self-obsessed. They’re not asking: “How do I look?” They’re asking: “What’s happening here?” And you can’t develop that while living in an environment that constantly pulls your attention towards inward judgement. If you want your confidence back, do this first Not a detox. Not a cold plunge. Not a mantra. This: Stop letting online images dictate your readiness for real life. Use social media intentionally. Create more than you consume. Touch reality every single damn day. Have awkward conversations. Make imperfect approaches. Show up nervous. Stay anyway. Because every time you choose real human contact over scrolling, you reclaim a piece of yourself. Final truth You don’t need to become someone else to be confident. You need to stop abandoning yourself in comparisons. Confidence isn’t built online. It’s built through friction, repetition, and self-respect. And it starts the moment you stop waiting to feel ready. This is exactly what I help so many men with. A lot of the guys in Divine Alchemy right now are working towards having a dating life, business, or lifestyle they are truly proud of. Not by following some lame scripts. Not from me blindly telling them what to do. But from learning how to understand themselves and craft the PERSON behind the efforts. Who you are being is what creates the potency that is attractive behind any effort you create in this life. That comes by becoming aware of your thoughts and emotions. By learning to reprogram new thought patterns. And to finally take action and see how reality responds to your efforts. A game of continuously being aware of what’s happening within, creating new perspectives, taking action, and trying again. It can feel exhausting to do this all on your own. Facing your insecurities can feel uncomfortable. Letting go of bad habits by yourself can feel like a lot of weight. That’s why I created the Divine Alchemy Brotherhood. So men can come together and support one another while holding each other accountable. You can start the self-paced course today that covers: • Mastering self-awareness • Rewriting your old belief systems and creating new ones • Applying this work to self-confidence, business, and relationships |
| Much love, Shawn “Sheshn” Heshmatpour |
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